“You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.” – Bill Parcells
As the Deuce Cup wrapped up it’s 9th draft last week, there was a sense of clarity within the league that resonates with the Parcell’s quote above. League owners know themselves now. They know what works in an auction and what doesn’t. They know their team is chicken shit yet each year they show up and attempt to make chicken salad. It’s this level of effort and retardation that truly inspires greatness within the league. For that, we salute you.
So grab yourself a double shot of whatever you got and reminisce on the lost player opportunities while we break down this year’s draft report card.
Cherno Alpha: A+
For the first time, in perhaps his entire life – Cherno Alpha was organized, focused, and well prepared heading into the draft. filling out an impressive roster before nights end. Sure, he committed a league sin by failing to bring the Jacket to the ceremony, but if he wins the title for a third time it all may be forgivenjk your house is getting TP’d. Flush with running back depth and high powered wide receivers, Cherno Alpha is the preseason favorite to win it all.
Notable players: Achane, Chase, Nabers, Bowers, Ravens D/ST
Chalupa Batman: A
Chalupa Batman is basically the Toyota Camry of reliability when it comes to drafting… maintaining a near perfect BAC bell curve typically associated with striking down 10 bowling pins on any given night. He’s got a nice mix of older but higher floor players and a few rookie dart throws for good measure. Biggest question for Batman is the RB position – which is led by an aging Kamara and a roll of the dice Jet’s offense. Either way, Chalupa Batman looks poised for an epic playoff run.
Notable players: Jaylen Daniels, BTJ, Hall, ASB
Team Simpkins: A-
Team Simpkins had a big beautiful draft, mmkay? His roster is rock solid top to bottom and easily has the best bench in the league. While he may not win any awards for team name, he won’t have to when his name is cemented on the back of the Jacket.
Notable players: Lamar Jackson, Chubba Hubba, London, a kicker named Dicker
Smoke on the Roster: B+
Smoke on the Roster is starting to send smoke signals. Only these aren’t SOS calls, these are HOUSE calls. Smoke spent almost 50% of his budget on keepers but still managed to complete 10/12 roster spots before leaving the draft. While the Bo Nix pick was questionable, Smoke on the Roster should be able to secure his first playoff birth since 2018 and make a deep playoff run to boot.
Notable players: Mahomes, Henry, Nacua, JSN
God Hates Jags: B
Jags should feel optimistic heading into the 2025 season. Jahmyr Gibbs has proven he’s capable of producing big numbers even with Montgomery in the mix, and his WR core is stacked. If Higgins and Kittle can stay healthy, Jags will be in a great position to win his second championship. There’s only one minor problem… Higgins has missed at least 5 games in back to back seasons and Kittle has yet to complete a season without missing a game due to injury.
Notable players: Sherbert, Gibbs, Higgins, Kittle
Don’t Worry You’ll Win: B
Even without knowing how impactful Cam Skattebo will be on a mediocre Giants offense, DWYW’s draft was lights out. Rather than hoarding auction money and buying out the place for late round fringe players, DWYW was calculated and ready to spend. If the young players like Travis Hunter and Kaleb Johnson live up to the hype, DWYW will need a name change by Christmas.
Notable players: Barkley, Egbuka, McBride, McMillan
King Can: B-
The 2x Deuce Cup champion finished the night with a decent roster although not without risk. King Can is leveraging call options on the NYJ’s offense and is banking on Ashton Jeanty finding glory in sin city. Could be great, could be license plate territory.
Notable players: Chase Brown, Jeanty, Collins, Garret Wilson
Hurts People: B-
Hurts People has some heavy hitters on the roster and the 1-2 punch of Dak and Ceedee is a nice bonus. Tyreek and Swift aren’t as automatic as years prior and the waiver wire wasn’t particularly fruit full – which means Hurts People’s depth will be tested down the stretch.
Notable players: Dak, Jacobs, Lamb, Hill
In the Carr Getting ATJ: C+
There was a seriousness to ATJ’s draft this year. The kind of seriousness resulting from a winless season and showing up to the draft with a pink license plate frame. ATJ was happy to let owners walk away with over valued players – his largest wager being $190 for Kyren Williams. Make no mistake though, ATJ will win a bunch of games this season.
Live Laugh Toaster Bath: C
Mr. Commissioner spent $300 on keepers and purchased Josh Allen for $225 out of the gate. This left Toaster Bath in a frugal bidding strategy for the remainder of the draft. Toaster Bath’s roster will put up points every week to contend, but managing injuries and bench depth will be challenge all season.
Notable players: Thee Josh Allen, Cook, Jefferson, PaPorta
Rookie Monster: C
Rookie Monsters RB depth is a thing of beauty and his self titled album of purchasing a handful of rookies in hopes that one hits superstar status was in full force – picking up Theo Johnson, Quinshon Judkins, TreVeyon Henderson, and Tyler Warren. Questions remain about Rookie Monster’s WR depth and how impactful those rookies will be in year 1… but this rookie wild card roster could have the juice to go all the way.
Notable players: Bijan Robinson, Bucky Irving, Waddle, Harrison Jr
Barenaked Cladys: D
Clady’s has played in the toilet bowl once before… and this roster has TB written all over it. Better. Luck. Next year…
Notable players: Null
