Week One, everybody. Congrats to everybody who won, except those who are too lazy to pick a name. At least come up with something that you can ride for a few years despite the novelty wearing off immediately (we get it Eric, you like Pacific Rim). And to those of you who haven’t picked a name and still lost, you deserve it.
Anyway, onto the awards. For those new to the league, Juggernaut is for most points, Shit Kicking is for biggest spread, Butt Pucker is for narrowest spread, and there’s a new award below that I already wrote the description for down there, so it’s a surprise.
Juggernaut
Dad Therapy – 139.2
It started early for Ryan and didn’t let up. On the opening day of the NFL season, Dad Therapy’s Jay Ajayi scored two touchdowns and 62 yards rushing, with a two point conversion thrown in for good measure, for a cool 20.2 points. No LeVeon Bell? No problem. Ryan picked up the handcuff, James Conner, who only scored 29.2. All told, Dad Therapy put up 139.2 points, the most in the league by 24.9 and blowing by the second highest scoring team in the league.
Shit Kicking
GodHatesJags – 111.9 -54.1 over House of Hoors
A Westboro Baptist Church protest has signs with more empathy than this final score. Joe’s House of Hoors shit the bed in a way that only Danny DeVito can relate to, with four players scoring a combined six (6) points. Meanwhile, GodHatesJags scored 111.9, lead by Tyreek Hill’s 35.3, doubling up House of Hoors.
Meanwhile, a scientist examing Joe’s team:
Butt Pucker
Bye Week – 84.3 – 84.1 over Team Coman
When you lose by .2, you would have won had anything gone slightly differently. Maybe Matt Ryan doesn’t totally suck, or Alfred Morris doesn’t fumble, or you start literally any other running back you own other than Alfred Morris. Anyway, Coman, do better next week. And pick a team name.
Blue Balls
New year, new award. This award is given to the team who had the ability to score but played the wrong hand, like that time in high school that Andrew decided that what his date really wanted to hear about was libertarian philosophy (except that actually worked somehow). This week, the award goes to Team Hunt, who left 62.7 points off the board, which would have given him a comfortable lead over House of Hoors, although two of his bench players are quarterbacks who scored less than his starter. He would have won if he’d started Emmanual Sanders over Crabtree, but he didn’t, so he didn’t.
See you next week.